To be very honest, applying for partnership was a very impulsive decision. You know, when you get that gut feeling that you really need to do something, or else you feel you'd regret it. It gives you so much anxiety just thinking about doing it that you literally do it to relieve the feeling? That's how I felt when I applied.

I tried to apply with a very IDGAF attitude. I wanted to be like, "Here I am. Here's what I've done. Here's what I'm hoping this would lead to. Take it or leave it." Simple right? If they like my content, if they like personality and attitude, if I've shown promise in the platform, then I have a chance. If not, it's the high road, and questioning whether or not to try again.

I made it through the application. I made it to review. Then everything hit. The nervousness of "I need to apply" became the nervousness of "I need to know," and that one is harder to handle. That one, isn't in your hands. It's in the hands of someone I might never meet. It's in the hands of a person who probably hasn't heard of me, or knows me or my community. They're going to try their best to get a feel for what I do in the next 2-3 weeks that they observe me. They're going to try to see if my growth has potential. That's when the insecurity sets in. The feelings of, "Was that two day vacation during a very inopportune time?" "Was continuing to stream without a camera still a good idea?" "Is the type of content I'm providing worthy of being called partner?" "Have I done the most that I can to make my stream the best it can be?" "Why aren't my normal viewers showing up?" "Where are the people that I call community?" All the self-doubt and questioning comes piling in, and then I start to think about why partnership matters so much.

If partnership really is just the "cherry on top," why am I feeling so anxious? How would the results really affect my stream or who I am? If partnership is just a title that gives the caster some benefits, and possibly a, let's be honest, minimal source of income, why does it matter so much to me? Why does the thought of partnership, or counting the days I've been in review weigh so heavily on my mind?

Thing is, I'm human. As strong and bright as I appear on streams, I have insecurities. For the past six months, I've dedicated a majority of my time towards a single platform, and eventually towards my own stream. That's a lot of time, seeing that people are usually well-balanced, spending a large portion of time working for an income, a couple hours for social life and relationships, and the rest of the time towards this passion they call streaming. I came into this platform at a rough point in my life, and I saw it as a beacon of hope, so I poured everything into it. I poured my time, my emotions, my drive, and even my money into this, and pursuing what this could become. That's a huge sacrifice not seen in the 3 hours I choose to stream to provide a consistent schedule.

I've gotten support from people I love, and lost relationships due to making this my choice. This whole time, I've been asking myself, "Is this the right decision?" Self-doubt claws at me as I tell my mom, who has been supporting me and providing the roof over my head, that I've taken a step to apply towards partner. Honestly, she probably doesn't care whether I get it or not, as long as I'm happy and can somehow provide for myself. I care though. With partnership I can say, "Streaming is my part-time job." With partnership, I can tell people, "Hey, I've been working on this cool thing for a while now, and I actually achieved something." It's weird how titles can provide a sense of leverage or identity, but that's how society has programmed us. "What is your occupation?" "Who do you work for?" are things people are curious to know when they first meet you. Being partnered means that I've been acknowledged by the platform I've essentially been working for, for the past few months. That is what partnership means.

Now, I know things aren't going to be rainbows and butterflies when I get a response. It's just that the feeling of anxiety will finally fade. Eventually I go back to what I'm normally doing, with or without the title. I think this is why streamers burn out sometimes. It doesn't matter if they reached partnership or not, once people start to realize how much of their time and energy has been spent on a single thing, but still end up questioning whether it really matters, the thought weighs on you. That's when you take a step back and evaluate what is the real priority in life, and if this is something you want to continue to pursue.

Streaming is a passion of mine. I'll be in front of the computer, on video, and chatting with my viewers when I can, for as long as I can. That's why I built my schedule the way it is, so it's sustainable for the long-term, so even if I get a job, I'll be able to continue to provide what people are looking for when they see my stream pop up. I thoroughly, and absolutely, enjoy what I do, even when I'm frustrated with technical difficulties, or have trouble finding something to play. I love interacting with the people on my stream, and that's what keeps me on the platform every day. It's just, I'm human. There will be doubts, insecurities, and anxieties. There will always be questions. This is just one of those times.